These days i'm going through a "depression" phase. Alot of things feel like they are piling up on me, and i guess its breaking me down little by little. One thing that has REALLY been pestering me is, as many of you know, my issues with a (false) allegation of academic dishonesty.
Pretty much, i was just going over my notes right before the midterm, and i stuck the notes under my chair when the test started. After like 20-30 minutes i went to ask a TA a question, and after getting my question answered, my TA requested that i sit in the back row instead of schooching all the way back in my original crowded row. At the end of the 1 hour 30 min test, the teacher was going up the aisles to pick up the last tests, when she saw notes under my original seat. She thought the kid next to me was using them, but he denied that the notes were his. So she asked whose notes were on the ground, and i told her they were mine. She then proceeded to report me to the academic integrity office.
thankfully, amos(the genius) came over and helped me on my "case" for like 5 hours. We made some legitimate arguments, but we realized that if the teacher forgets some facts on the hearing date, and unintentionally or intenionally fabricates the story (i.e. "i saw andrew looking at his notes") then im pretty much screwed.
But through all this chaos and unnecessary crap, i think God is really showing me things. Growing up i was always the kid that always pushed the limit until my mom or dad had to spank me. And i think i'm like the same way with God. I don't listen to Him, until something bad happens to me, and then i turn to God.
First, i think God is telling me to reevaluate what's important in my life. I think because my academics and my career were someting i have confidence and security in, God wanted me to rely more on him instead of putting my trust in my own abilities. It is true that God wants us to do our best in school, but i think when we make School/grades/job/ an idol, it makes God not happy.
Secondly, i'm learning a bit more about how beautiful grace is. I was thinking about my hearing(academic dishonesty) and i was imagining how crappy i would feel if the board deemed me guilty. But after, i thought about when God is going to judge us. Imagine you standing in front of God, and He's like, "Andrew, you have committed this sin, this sin......etc., and the wages of sin is death". I think that would feel like 999999999999999999 to the 99999th power worse. Being condemned to eternal darkness, hopelessness, depression, pain, suffering, and loneliness. But there is good news. REALLY good news. Jesus covers all the crap we did. EVERYTHING. there's no middle ground. You either have all your charges of sin dropped, or you have them still claiming your life.
Honestly i probably heard about salvation like 600 times, but for some reason, when i really thought about what Jesus did on the cross it made me realize how lucky i was. and i think it took something like what happened to me to realize how beautiful the cross is.
I suck at writing. I'm prolly going to read this later and realize that this post is really incoherent, but hopefully Jesus shines through this post. And just to clarify, im not literally depressed, its just a feeling of being lost and broken, which usually turns out to be a good thing in the end. but the process of being lost and broken sucks. anyways 6 more weeks of school left! including finals!